P.S. I hate you.

This one is painful. I see annoying pre-teens looking sullen and annoyed just about everywhere I go and I constantly want to yell at them. I'd probably rank them on my family dynamic pet peeve list somewhere between parents smoking in front of their children and those that ignore their screaming child in a bookstore. 

This is where the real "hindsight" comes in, because I am about to give my 12 year old self a piece of my mind.

Wow, really Kels? First of all, you weren't even invited to that party - despite the fact that it was for one of your diaper-age besties. Here's what happened, he got cool - and you didn't. He didn't think to bring you around, but you got a pity invite from your large-breasted friend who needed a ride there. She quickly navigated to the makeout room and you spent the night avoiding Joe's advances past 1st base. 

Given that, I wonder why your so strict mother didn't want you to attend. Sure, go ahead and blame your siblings for not paving the way to popularity for you, that way you don't have to accept the fact that your awful personality might be the problem. 

Thanks for that last minute reminder that you're still a bitch. Here I was thinking you had a one track mind focused on boys, but now I see that you can get out of that head of yours to focus on the big issues. Like putting your hateful feelings in a post script. Awesome. 

All good reasons to hate the woman who brought you into this world. Just for fun, let's play devil's advocate (despite the fact that you're actually the one acting like the devil). 

1. You went to 5,000 bar-mitzvahs and she's sick of spending her day driving you around, dropping twenties into cards, and hearing you whine about wanting to be Jewish so you can have a big party.

2. Oh, no. I'm sure so many awesome things were happening in that basement, reeking of children in the throws of puberty.

3. She would have let you go to someone else's house, but inviting another self-involved brat to her home to reassure you that your parents do, like, totally, suck probably wasn't at the top of her list.

4. You're annoying. You have nothing important to talk about.

5. See #1

6. No, she doesn't think you're five - she thinks you're freaking obnoxious and she wants to get your snotty attitude out of her way as early as possible. I'm sure she wishes you were five when you were cute and didn't think you were cool enough to drop the F bomb in to casual conversation. 

Do it - run away. Your life really is unfair. Damn those kind and loving parents who provide you with everything you've ever needed. Ugh. And no, you can't change bitchy moms, no more than you can change completely egocentric horrifying excuses for daughters. 

I'm sorry, Mom.