Brokedown Palace

Up to this point, you might be getting the feeling that I was a bit boy-crazy back in the day. 


I was, there's no mistaking that. But apparently my dramatic tendencies spanned across all of my relationships, including those with friends.


What you are about to read is no doubt creepy now, but at the time was just a typical type of communication between my friend Kristen and me. Unfortunately I can't recall the note I had previously written her, but her response includes imagining the fun we would have in jail, and a vow to lay her life down for me. 


Just your everyday email...

click to enlarge

Let's break this down. (Ha.)

The spelling is killing me.

We would never fall for him because he had a nasty butt? What does a nasty butt entail exactly? And does anyone look good after eating bad Chinese food? I'm guessing the reason we wouldn't go for him is because we (hopefully) had the common sense not to run off to Hong Kong with a complete stranger. Never mind that little detail, though.

Really? Jail, dirt and cockroaches - fun? I don't care how much of blast I was, something tells me that being thrown in that environment wouldn't quite parallel the sleepovers we had with unlimited junk food, movies and AOL chat rooms. But, sure, let's keep going with this scenario.

What exactly is wrenching up your nerves and shouldering your guts? Is it just me, or does the last part of this email sound a bit like the drunken rants you see between bros in a high school party movie? Think - Can't Hardly Wait, Mike Dexter. 

And most of all... why is she acting like she already did this for me? Nobody had to jump in front of any cars - at the most I had to give someone a dirty look for her and she had to use her height to intimidate someone for me. 

Looking back, this appears to be a pretty unhealthy dependency on one another. I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have many, many more emails and notes like this one. Despite the fact that my 8th grade year was spent finding l-o-v-e with my first "long-term" relationship, Kristen was my first true heart break. 

I won't spoil what's to come, but needless to say - she was unable to hold up her end of the bargain to take that "whole new ride" when things got tough. And by tough, I mean, she got a boyfriend.

I Thout I Could Trust You

The first brave soul has stepped forward to join me in sharing some of the most ridiculous things that have ever been committed to paper (you should too!). I thought now would be the perfect time to sprinkle in a bit of someone else's hilarity before I delve into my first "real" (or what I thought was real) relationship. 

Here you go!

Okay, be honest - who hasn't written and crossed something out on purpose just so you can say what you really want and then act surprised when the other person could miraculously read it?


After all, Kim here may have wanted to tell Jay that she couldn't stand him because he's so mean. But instead she told him that she can't trust him... well, maybe if she's in a good mood.


But only three more strikes.


Seriously, this time.


I love the "From," - so formal!


P.S. .... what?! I'm on the edge of my seat. 

Right on the Mark

Here is what you need to know about Mark... he was covered in freckles (so much so, in fact, that he had a freckle on his eyeball) and... he was the all-consuming love-hate-obsession of my life for a year.


He was the boy I was studying rocks with. So, no, anonymous commenter, that incident probably wasn't all that innocent... I just didn't know it at the time. You see, I had to get past my social climbing aspirations - first by going out with Joe, then by spending 71 emails rehashing a quick misplaced peck during a close dance session with Mike (another one of Solon Middle School's finest). Note: he literally wrote me an email the next day that said "sorry..." I have the emails, but they're too humiliating to share - even here.


So once I woke up and realized that I didn't want to be the discarded Halloween candy on the arm of one of the really cool kids, I looked at my limestone loving pal Mark and fell in love with that eye-freckle.


Apparently he wasn't so sure about me...

So that movie that we went to? It was called Boys and Girls. Maybe you've heard of it. Most likely you haven't. Here's the trailer:







And here's how, in some way, Mark and I really related to this movie (despite the fact that Jason Biggs was in it and I don't think anyone should relate to any of his flicks.)

If you didn't have the time to fully witness my pushiness into trying to get this poor kid to admit he liked me, here's what you need to know: I somehow compared our relationship to one of individuals old enough to drive, vote and drink. I linked summer camp in Wisconsin to a trip to Italy and continually beat the topic to death until he left for camp 3 days later. 


The rest of our relationship (or lack thereof) was just as exhausting as what you've just experienced, so I'll just give you the highlights:


June 20th: "Okay, I just spent my first whole day not talking to Mark. Its killing me. 1 day down, 29 more to go."


July 10th: "And what if he does like me, where do I go from there? I can't keep holding on to nothing, but what if I have something to hold onto, am I going to drown anyway?"


July 18th: "He intentionally hurt me, he knew he didn't like, but yet he didn't have the fucking balls to tell me. I don't need to take his shit anymore. He had me and now he's lost me. In a few weeks he will realize how big of an idiot he is to have given me up without a fight. He will realize that he was lucky to have me for so long and he will come crawling back like some pathetic loser, and I will have moved on. Then I can tell him, 'I liked you for five months, and you messed with my head and left me hanging. Then you just started acting like I was gross and that you were much too cool to be talking to the likes of me. So I forgot about your pathetic kindergarten ass and moved on... your loss.' Now here's the really pathetic part: I know I'm not over him and I know that the moment he stops being an ass, I'll like him again. But I don't want to so unless he does some major ass-kissing, I'm not going to let myself like him again."


August 1st: "Mark has a girlfriend. He met her at camp and they started going out 2 weeks into it. Her name is Ali and she lives in Chicago. So I'm a little upset."


August 13th: "Then about an hour into the party Mark and I started talking and joking with each other like we used to. And we would joke-fight and push each other around. So he kept coming up behind me and whispering 'bitch' in my ear and I called him 'loser.' I was so happy because it was just like before!"


August 30th: "I need to stop setting my expectations so high because I'm going to keep being let down. Mark's not going to like me and sweep me off my feet anytime soon... I know that, so why can't I stop pretending it's going to happen? Friday night he's not going to take me on a walk and while we are talking he's not going to stop me, wrap his arms around me and kiss me... but why can't I stop hoping he will? Life is far too precious to be living a lie - so why can't I stop?"


September 2nd: "I'm never going to get over Mark unless there is a 'get-over-point.' There hasn't been one yet and I don't know when it's gonna be. It hurts to wait, but I can't help it. Too late, I'm attached."


September 12th: "Well, Mark and Hannah are going out. Monday, I was going to ask out Mark but I wanted to check with Hannah to make sure it was okay with here before I did. She told me she didn't want me to ask him out and I told her that if she wasn't going to ask him out, I was. So last night she told him she liked him and today he asked her out. She called me today and I told her to say yes. I didn't want to do to her what she did to me. If I ever had a chance with him, she took it away."






Oh, Kelsey. You never had a chance.

How to Be a Boyfriend

Since I already filled you in on the requirements for being a best friend, I feel that my next duty is to explain how to be a good boyfriend. It's a little more complicated than the BFF rules, which is why it took me 5.5 pages to really express my 7th grade self. Some of these are pretty obvious, some you'll recognize from past stories told, and some I would still like to share with boyfriends I've had since the age of 12. 


You boys just don't learn sometimes. 

Rather than go through and comment on the many ridiculous things I've said here, I'm going to leave it up to you. Please pick your favorite rule(s) and make fun of me (and/or the boy in question) and share your thoughts in the comments below. 


And seriously, call her, damnit.